Imposter syndrome

This week I realized that I had difficulty making myself heard or could it be that I am a bad communicator? Since the end of May, I started this new job, my manager and the team have been welcoming but I am not sure why I am feeling undermined. To be honest I feel like a fraud mixed with anger. For some reason, I cannot shake this feeling.

I am feeling undermined and incapable and angry at myself to feel like this and angry at others for not making me feel better about myself.... 🤔

What is wrong with me?

I remember a couple of months ago, Pastor Uche talked about how he did a self-deliverance on him. So I thought I should do self-deliverance on myself against the spirit of anger and the spirit of feeling undermined if there is such a thing. I started to declare the word of God and to order the spirit of anger to come out of me, I waited, waited, and waited... no manifestation, nothing happened….

So I asked God what was going on?! it is written that you have given us authority, how come I could not cast out this bad spirit in me?

And I heard the Holy Spirit say: "it had nothing to do with bad spirit but it was the result of my own thoughts pattern."

Quiet often it is easier to look at an external cause instead of looking at ourselves. It is easier to blame our attitude and behavior on external causes instead to do the introspection work needed.

Feeling less than yourself or being full of yourself is the same both are self-centered and self-centeredness prevents them to interact with others in a healthy, organic way.

A couple of weeks ago I was listening to a worship session by Victoria Orenze, during the worship, she started to explain the importance of dying of ourselves. She said sometimes she did not feel like worshiping God or praying but she put those feelings to rest by starting to worship. Apostle Paul said

“ For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other so that you are not to do whatever you want” Galatians 5 verse 17.

There is a conflict between what we want to do and what we feel like doing as there can be a conflict between what we think ( carnal mind) and the truth and quite often it requires willpower and discipline to do what needs to be done and overcome or though despite of what we feel. I may feel undermined, angry, less than, incapable, etc.... although those feelings are real they do not reflect the truth which is what the Bible says I am.

Currently, I am reading Secrets to Spiritual Power from the writings of Watchman Nee. In chapter 5 the author talked about what Jesus accomplished at the cross. According to Watchman Nee, at the cross not only our sins have been forgiven, meaning we will no longer suffer the raff/consequences of our sins; But also, we have been given the power to overcome sin which is less popular than the first. The reason, according to watchman Nee, is that this can only be accomplished by the death of self.

It is written in Romans 6: 10-11 (amplified version)

"For the death that He died, He died to sin (ending its power and paying the sinner’s debt) once and for all; and the life that He lives, He lives to (glorify) God ( in unbroken fellowship with Him). Even so, consider yourselves to be dead to sin (and your relationship to it broken) but alive to God (in unbroken fellowship with Him) in Christ Jesus."

The death to self can be progressive and require daily decisions and to be intentional. In my case when I feel anger because of a situation I am facing, I have to die to self by first repenting (returning to God) and reminding myself of the Word of God; 1 Corinthians 3:16, The Holy Spirit dwells in me and that anger is not a fruit of the Spirit me Galatians 5:22-25. Even when I feel less than I have to repent. You might find it strange but will you feel grateful if someone gives you a gift you feel undeserving? All that we have is by God's grace, and what is grace "undeserved love and favor of God". So when I am feeling less than or incapable of, undeserving, I have to remind myself John 1:16 that I have received God's grace and Proverbs 3:5-6, I may not understand why God gives me that work (responsibility), that task or to study in a particular field but I decide to trust and acknowledge him through and through because surely He will make my path straight

And as you are doing so you will experience the renewing of your mind.

I pray that you will not let your feeling overshadow who God says you are and what he has done and doing for you. I pray you will surrender to God and let the prompting of the Holy Spirit minister to you instead of falling into self-centeredness.

AMEN